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Thoughts on my mother...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

There's a dull ache hanging over our house, very much like a headache that's about to set in. I can feel it, right in my head. I can feel it starting to sharpen, and I know it will be getting worse before it gets any better.

My mother has unexpectedly dropped into our lives again. It has been a long, long time since I had heard her voice. This was not my choice. I believed I had given her every opportunity to do the right thing. By doing that, I sacrificed myself and my wife. I gave up parts of ourselves that were whole and good, and that resulted in lots of pain and heartache. I was wrong to do that, and I was wrong to give so much up for someone who was abusive.

With one call, thoughts and emotions that I have not dealt with in such a long time pounded me. I felt like I was five years old again, running to my mom after I had been scolded, looking only for her acceptance. I do not want to feel like this. I do not want her to have the control over me she has had for much of my life. I want to protect my family.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I always knew this day was going to come. I just figured I would be the one trying to make reach out to her. My mode of dealing with things is denial. If I pretend things don't happen then they can't hurt me. This is so in my face that there is no way to ignore it.

We had a brief break in the process when we took the kids out to see Santa and got home and watched a stupid movie. It was a good break, we had a good time, but through it all, I could feel that dull ache working it's way through my head.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 at 9:40 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.

  1. Blogger Win said:
    1:42 PM  

    Your pain came right from my computer into my heart. So real. So heavy. Now it's time for boundaries, and fortunately YOU get to set them. YOU get to draw the lines. YOU decide what you will and won't accept from your mother. YOU are in control. Use your courage to communicate these to her, no matter the cost. YOU are taking care of YOU now. She didn't do her job, so she's fired and YOU are hired. I know so much about this, Jorge. Would love to listen.

  1. Blogger Val said:
    2:49 PM  

    It's hard enough to transition from child to adult in your relationship with your parents. I can't imagine what it's like with a parent who hurt you so deeply. But like the last comment said, you get to set boundaries here. I obviously don't know the specifics of the situation, but, as you know, you need to do what is best for you and your family. And, unfortunately, sometimes those hurts just don't go away. I'll be praying for you as you go through this, friend.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:
    11:15 PM  

    wow, that is so heart wrenching. lets just say you are a brave soul for confronting your feelings and writing them down. you seem like a very loving and caring person who feels deeply even those this pain seems irreversible (obviously it is with time). but definitely, at this time in this moment it is all about you and setting your boundaries like the other two people have said. you have to do what is best for you and your family! it may be a tough journey just figuring out EXACTLY what you want, but more importantly communicating them to your mother and maybe having to deal with more of your past. you will know what is right within your heart and soul. i do not know anything about anything, but stay strong and solid. you are a strong strong person! we will be thinking about you!

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:
    11:26 PM  

    even though (not those)

  1. Blogger J in Ric said:
    8:47 AM  

    win: i love you dearly, thanks for being such a good friend to us. when we get back i'd love to get together.

    Val: It's hard to imagine a parent being this way. I cant ever grasp it. Thanks for your prayers, they are forever welcome at our house. Your good thoughts are so appreciated my friend! Happy Thanksgiving.

    anon: you are so right about the journey... that's one of the toughest things to figure out about this, to really know where we need to go. thanks for the positive thoughts!

  1. Blogger jen lemen said:
    11:09 AM  

    best post ever.
    you are in a new place now, my friend, and things will unfold naturally with your heart securely intact. i feel sure of it. i have every confidence that something greater is holding you in all of this and that your kind heart will not fail you or your family now. that same something is holding your mother, too, and i feel just as confident that she will receive all the kindness she needs from unexpected sources, from her peers, her seniors, her own wise sages that come along her way. her path will be secure without you to hold her or soften her fall into reality. all will be well, all will be well.

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